Did you know, Jesus?
You prayed all night long about the choosing of your twelve. Did you know even then? When you looked him in the eye did he look back? Did you peer into the eons of his soul? Did you see what he would do?
A smart man. A hard man. A troubled man. A scheming man. A passionate man. A misguided man. An opportunistic man.
Did you watch him pocket the money? When you looked into his heart did you see the corrupted ambition? Did you hear the hushed conversations? Did it break your heart when he contrived the plan against you? Did it hurt when he seemed to want to spend time with you, but was actually taking note of your schedule in order to find an opportunity to turn you over to the authorities?
Did you see the flick of his heel and the twist of his heart as he turned away from you? Could you see his back as he walked away into the darkness?
This Judas, the fiery visionary from Iscariot, was a part of your inner twelve. You traveled with him. Rubbed shoulders with him. Taught him. Touched him. Included him. Ate with him. Broke bread with him. Washed his feet.
And he agreed to betray you.
Thirty pieces of silver jangled in his belt and the pharisaical stamp of approval was on his actions.
His zealousness, misplaced and misguided, pushed him to do the unthinkable and the inevitable.
And it devoured him. Whole.
You loved him.
You loved Judas anyway.
Reveal to me my Judas-ways, Oh God.
Uncover them and show them to me before I am devoured whole. Awaken me before I am consumed by my own motivations and agendas. Don’t allow my own vision to overshadow yours. Show me my own corrupted ambitions—ambitions I feed and justify. Justify because they seem to accomplish the end that I desire. But with you, Father, the end does not justify the means. Make visible to me the places in me that are bent against the philosophy and reality of your kingdom. Don’t allow me to be deceived by darkness. Please don’t allow me to trade my eternal position with you for a temporary place in a momentary spotlight here. Don’t allow me to taint precious opportunities. Don’t allow me to hold out my hand for a few pieces of silver. Silver spends too quickly.
We are not far from Judas. We want to think we are. The denial rises in our throat. We want to say we would never do such a horrendous deed. But be forewarned, our hearts are not far from corrupted ambitions and warped vision.
Reveal to us, our Judas ways.
And, please. Please love love us anyway.